I'm so very restless and need sleep, but I keep stressing about where my younger brother J is at when he's not at home. He's 26, but he has turrets syndrome and Schizophrenic. Like now, it about to be 8pm and I got home from working at the church with the kids at 5pm, but I still can't sleep because I have no ideal where he is and if he is OK.
Then I have to get up at 7am to get ready for the next day at church. The summer program is fairly easy, but hard with no rest.
I feel so upset because my mom RIP is not here and my birthday is coming up on the 4th of July. Don't have any plans for my birthday. My mom was always the one that would get me a cake, cook, give me a card with money in it and everything. It's not two years yet that she's been gone, but I remember my last birthday with her when I turned 30, she got me a cake and a card with $30 in it. She didn't cook, because she was to sick. I'm am more mad at myself now that I did not spend the hold day with her. What an asshole I was... Why was I not thinking, your mom is sick, spend your hold birthday day with her and your brother. I had so much of a free spirit and fast moving paste about myself. I was always on the go go go... I only good thing about that is that I was not doing drugs or any of those things.
I try not to recap on all the years of how I would just jump up and go state to state or always out with friends when I couldn't of been at home with my mom doing more things with her when she was healthy.
But the great things is that my mom, out of all people in the world new me better than anyone and understood me very well, even when I though she didn't.
I remember my mom use to try to stop me from doing a lot of stuff and didn't want me to go many places or stay out late. I followed a lot of the rules and I did try to disobey, then I would end up grounded, but when I turned 18, I got a job and my own place.
Well, as much as I want to write more, I going to try to get a little sleep and talk to you later Dolly.
Later
C
